August 21, 2009

Kings of the Hill

Sorry if it’s been a bit slow with the new blog, but let’s face it: There is absolutely NOTHING going on but the last second shit talking between fan bases that goes on every late August…all of which are undefeated right now. No matter where you go, no matter what message board you visit or radio talk show you listen to…EVERYBODY is 100% right this time of year, and there is absolutely nothing people can do about it…for at least 2 weeks that is.

So that got me thinking….when does the results of the past year no longer come into play when talking shit about football? Does it matter at all if you were good last year? How does your outlook THIS YEAR play into it? And if you haul your 40 year old dust covered trophies around to road games, does this give you some sort of unlimited bragging rights for life-card?

Unfortunately, like BCS, Fruit Loops cereal and the popularity of the Jonas Brothers…there is simply no logical way to solve these questions.

So what does that leave us? Well at the moment, at least in my neck of the woods it means a big giant trash-talking free-for-all where logic and rational thought are completely thrown out the window. But shouldn’t there be some sort of set of standards and rules that dictate who you have the power to pop off to and who has earned unconditional bragging rights? Now granted, once the season starts…everything is out the window. I understand that and that’s a perfectly logical statement. But in the months BEFORE that opening kickoff…who in the FUCK gave you the right to run your mouth to an opposing fan who’s team is coming off beating your team senseless less than one season ago?

This has really been bugging me, so I came up with a few rules that may help you and your friends dictate who has off-season bragging rights.

1) Head to head from the previous year always counts first. The ONLY exception to this is if the team that beat yours goes on to win the National Championship. This is a relatively rare exception that doesn’t come up very often…but does have it’s place high on this list. Regardless…games are settled on the field, and not in the standings portion of the paper. If one team beats the other’s ass…they hold bragging rights til kickoff the following year.

2) Any stats, streaks or items from MORE than 5 years ago are instantly null and void while talking smack. If NOBODY on your team was around 7 seasons ago for that one big upset win….what the hell does it have to do with now? I can see exceptions if even a small segment of current players were involved in the game. However, if anybody beyond 5th year seniors were involved, it cannot be brought up for discussion. Period. (The rare exception to that is some astronomical streak of biblical proportions like Navy playing Notre Dame. They're going to end at some point, but they are worth mentioning at times.)

3) Overall series records and statistics dating back to 1896 are completely meaningless. If the game was played with 46 players on the field at once…it probably shouldn’t count.

4) Phil Steele’s website projections are not an acceptable resource of citing facts. FACTS are acceptable ….even if they are spun around with an industrial sized washing machine. Phil Steele, Rivals and others…even if they spend 900hrs per week studying college football are STILL PROJECTIONS. They are oftentimes…MANY times just as wrong as you and I are about this stuff. (Ok, as wrong as you.)

5) Finally….everybody understands that there are traditional powers in college football. USC, Oklahoma and Texas are all going to get recruits and wins because they have more resources to throw at it. I’m fine with that…and I can completely accept that. However, sometimes the Tampa Bay Rays and Arizona Cardinals make it to the championship game in the same year. Sometimes Utah goes 13 and 0. Sometimes, Boise runs a trick play and shocks the world. In other words, this is not the NFL of the 1970s and 80’s, where 4 or 5 different teams won the Super Bowl over and over. Today, West Virginia, Cincinnati and Utah…if even for a year or two..have every bit the shot to make it to the BCS than Texas or Oklahoma do. Doesn’t mean they’ll make it…just means that teams like that are in the mix and not going away.

* OK, so we’ve kind of set some groundrules down; now that that is out of the way, let’s get down to the here and now.

I’ve often said that what makes football great is not the games..but the anticipation. Nowhere else in sports..other than MAYBE the 3 or 4 days between NCAA tourney games is the buildup JUST right as it is in college football. (Super Bowl week is WAY too long). The same goes for the off-season. We have plenty of time to break down teams, look at schedules etc….but when it gets down to the end, like it does now…who is really right? Who has earned the right to talk shit on everybody else?

Thanks to yours truly, I’m going to now tell you….team by team…who has the right to talk shit on who and why…until the season kicks off two weeks from tomorrow. Note close wins or losses between teams of equal caliber are pretty much a wash, as are completely bizzare upsets from 3 years ago. You'll get the jest of it as you read along.

Baylor and Iowa State:
You have the right to talk shit on absolutely nobody. Not to say Baylor can’t shock the world and pile up a few wins this season. (They did beat A&M last year) Iowa State had that nice little run earlier in the decade…but over the past five years? Ummmm…yeah this is pretty much automatic. Sit back and take it bitches.
Can talk shit to: Nobody

Texas A&M:
The Ags get their fair share of flack over their performance last year (Arkansas State?)…but they have beaten Texas 2 of the last 3 seasons. Oh sure the Horns asslapped them by 40 last year, but putting it to your rival like that deserves more than a year’s worth of bragging rights. (barely) The Ags beat Colorado and Iowa State last year during a crappy season…but even those games were closer than they should have...and thus remove themselves from consideration. Sorry Ag fans...have at me.
Can talk shit to: Texas (and that's really stretching…)

Kansas State:
The Cats have obviously hit the skids in recent years. This is especially hard after having so much success in the early 2000’s and late 90’s. (Which makes talking shit these days extra tough ). Northern division foes have pretty much owned them in recent years, with Colorado battling out with the Cats for the middle of the conference. Against rivals however, Kansas State is an abysmal 2-10 over the last four years against Missouri, Kansas and Nebraska…and 0-9 in the past 3 years. Not good for the old psyche. (Nor was the 2007 loss to Iowa State)
Can talk shit to: 1AA teams and Texas A&M

Oklahoma State:
As good as the Pokes have been in recent years, you’d be surprised to notice that they really haven’t strung together a good solid string of beatdowns to any one opponenent not named Baylor. They’ve obviously had their troubles with Texas and Oklahoma…and although they had nice wins over A&M and Missouri last year…that was the first time they had beaten either one of those teams since 2004. Throw in the unbalanced North schedule…and the Cowboys…as good as they are…really aren’t in a good position to talk shit to least not yet.
Can talk shit to: Baylor, Missouri, Iowa State and pretty much nobody else

The Buffs have more North titles this decade than the next two schools combined. However, due to the rules we stated above…that doesn’t really mean much these days now does it? The Buff’s only good conference win last year was KSU (by 1), and the Cats spanked Colorado in 2007. I’m not super familiar with the Colorado State rivalry, other than you guys drink a lot of beer there. However, beating them twice in a row is worth something.
Can talk shit to: Colorado State and Iowa State

Texas Tech:
Mike Leach’s team has put together a real nice string of seasons…highlighted by a win over #4 Texas at home and #16 Okie State during a nice stretch in early November last year. In terms of Northern teams…the Raiders have owned Kansas teams, going 4-0 vs. KSU and KU in the past 4 meetings. Texas Tech has always looked like an emerging power, and the table was set last year…but reality in the form of Oklahoma stopped that real quick.
Can talk shit to: Baylor, ISU, Kansas, Kansas State, Texas A&M and Texas

Ahhh my friends the red-legged cartoon bird terrorists. The Beakers have blasted K-State over the past few years, and last year’s big last-second win over Mizzou gives them instant bragging rights over their two biggest rivals. However, they still somehow managed to lose every other good team they played. (Minus Nebraska). KU may not have bragging rights over the southern powers or even crappy Nebraska…but they own the two big ones that count.
Can talk shit to: Missouri, Kansas State, Colorado, Iowa State and the Sun Belt Conference.

Sure to be controversial, everybody loves to pile on Mizzou these days. KU fans remind them of Reesing’s 4th and 7 and Nebraska fans like to invoke memories of games from 30 years ago for some reason. The Tigers have gone 9-1 against the North over the past couple of years…which minus the face-to-face loss with KU last season, gives them instant bragging rights over the rest of the division. For some reason, Mizzou also has Texas Tech’s number as well.
Can talk shit to: The entire Big 12 north, Kansas (because they still suck) and Texas Tech.

Where to I begin to explain this one. OK Husker beat a bowl team in Kansas last year…so I guess you get limited credit there. The win over Colorado was indeed exhilarating for you I’m sure…but the Buffs lost 7 freaking games last year. (If you need a 57yd FG against a losing team at forfeit bragging rights). They have owned KSU over the past couple of seasons, which is something I haven’t said in quite a while. The whole “We’re a major power” crock of horseshit that spews from their mouths however, instantly ruins any credibility they have. If you have to tell all your friends how cool you are…odds are you’re a douche bag.
Can talk shit to: Iowa State and KSU

Oklahoma and Texas:
I know these two teams hate each other, and there’s no question they are the class of the league. Oklahoma is a bit more decorated in recent years with more conference titles, but the Longhorns did win in Dallas last season. (As they are quick to whine to everyone who will listen.) I’m completely convinced that if they switched uniforms at halftime, most neutral fans wouldn’t have a clue which team is which. OU and UT are the evil empire of the conference, and will continue to rule over all til disaster strikes.
Can talk shit to: Everybody minus OU against any bowl opponent and Texas against Tech


  1. Who died and made you college football Jesus? I boo who I want

  2. Happy Quantrill Day to you as well as the rest of my black and gold brothers and sisters.

  3. Quantrill Day is over and we're still here in Lawrence. Not even a whiff of smoke. You guys seem to have lost your touch. Give the Enzyte guy a call, maybe he can help.

    Oh yeah.


    Rock Chalk!

  4. As a Colorado fan I don't think we can even talk shit to ISU. They beat us two years ago (weird ass ending) and they almost beat us at Folsom last year.

  5. Hold up there Dale, as a CU fan by the stated rules we can talk shit to OU and especially Texas Tech. I don't know when the last time Tech beat us in Boulder or Lubbock.