July 2, 2009

High on the Hog, and Hoggin While High

Ahhhhh…it’s good to be back.

Thanks to all for the welcome back’s and the semi-kind words. I appreciate the feedback not only because I’m an attention whore, but I think in today’s modern world…it’s harder and harder to find news and commentary that don’t completely suck. (This is especially true with the mainstream media and traditional outlets.) It’s therapeutic for me to bitch about stuff, and I appreciate that a good number of you guys enjoy it.

With that being said, it’s also nice to see my former advisories already going to the uber-predictable “we knew you’d be back” line of bullshit. Truth be told, I never said I was retiring. I said the BLOG was retiring. I just find it funny that all of you assclowns that always said, “Why do you bother obsessing about us blah blah blah”? Now have nothing. You’re Baylor…and in an ironic twist of fate..will most likely get pounded by Baylor this coming fall. And yes...I know it kills you that nobody gives a shit about you…not even me. So either move on or pop in another episode of Lord of the Rings and go find somebody else to obsess over. Your aura is done and don’t come bitching to me until you actually do something more impressive than beat a 6 loss ACC team late in a 3rd tier bowl game.

Anyhow, I’m not going to lie to you people…in my de facto hiatus from blogging, I pretty much put college football and college sports in general on the back burner. I’m not sure about you, but I’m of the school of thought that it’s often good to get away for a while…recharge the batteries..and then jump back into the game at full throttle. So in doing so in this particular case, I threw open the mountains of 2009 previews that are out there, and came to a blinding realization: This is the part where I pick some mid-level team to come out of the pack, and challenge Oklahoma or Texas for conference supremacy. This is the part, where I lean on stats and figures to tell you why somebody is going to be the next ’07 Kansas Jayhawks, and ride a completely shitty schedule to fame and glory. (More on them in a bit.)

But in the end..the whole thing is a sham. Oklahoma and Texas rule this conference like Jorge Rafael Videla on a 5 day coke binge. They have the power, the resources and the money..and everybody else is along for the ride, fighting for third place.

I know I know..this is not shocking and I’m CERTAINLY not the first person to notice this chilling fact. However, as a card carrying fan of the Big 12 North…I must say…I’m GLAD Texas and Oklahoma rule with an iron fist. I’m glad Bob Stoops can smirk all night after running up another touchdown on Cincinnati…I’m GLAD that Mack Brown can waltz into some trailer park in Midland and pull out some 5 star recruit…hours after he landed the previous 5 star recruit from a trailer in a different town across the pasture. The point is…sports are great because happiness is not necessarily found at the end of a victory parade, or in the midst of confetti falling out of the sky after a big bowl win.

No, happiness in a spectator sport such as this is watching the mighty and powerful go down to the hands of the downtrodden.

The same argument plays out every year in the NFL. Every once in a while, you get some national pundit who longs for the old days, where the 49ers or Cowboys or whomever run up another 42 point Super Bowl win to the delight of their legions of bandwagon fans nationwide. And yes, although this turns off the other 95% of the viewing public, it sets up one of life’s grandest conquests…..taking Goliath down and spitting on his lifeless corpse once his pulse has ceased.

OK sure…usually Goliath just gets up again, and the following season is stomping people by 6-7 TD’s while picking up another bucket full of prized recruits during the halftime festivities. But for that one magical night..watching the strong lose to the weak is worth the high price of admission…especially if you root for a team that is historically downtrodden. Don’t believe me? Ask Iowa State fan how he felt watching Marv Siler go Dan Marino on the Huksers on a random Saturday in November back in 1992…and compare that to how Oklahoma fans felt after winning the 2008 Big 12 title. Do you really hink that Euphoria is much different? Ask Colorado fan how happy they were after beating Oklahoma late in 2007…and compare that to Texas beating Arizona State in the 2007 Holiday Bowl to cap off another great 10 win season? Who was more satisfied after those particular games?

The point is..we all know who is strong and who is weak in the Big 12 pecking order. (Well…ahem…most of us do. Some simply turn to drugs and red-coated denial) However, that’s not always the big picture when it comes to who really “wins” and who really “loses”.

I’ll get along to breaking down the teams as I see fit shortly..and most of you will have a spastic hissy fit in reply to them. However, keep in mind that victory is in the eye of the beholder..and not necessarily of you…your fans or Phil Steele.

Somebody asked me the other day if I was all set to write up another annual July 4th rant. The quick reply is “no”…but I will recap my own personal views on the tragic holliday gone terribly wrong…for those of you whom may not have caught it before:

Like many (or every) other holidays…the 4th of July has turned from something meaningful into something horrible. This is usually caused by the lowest members of society, taking a particular day of reflection and turning it into their own private audition for mythbusters. Again, I don’t mind celebrating the birth of our great nation in whatever way the founding fathers have seen fit to bestow upon us. But if you spend 5 grand on bottle rockets…you’re a pathetic loser. (Unless you’re 12..in which case props to you for having 5 grand to blow on fireworks.) I’ll continue more into this after the weekend, when the normal band of teenage gurilla fighers attempt to burn down own neighborhood with every incendiary device they can think of.

Stay tuned.

As many of you may be wondering…I’d love to throw my two cents in regarding the recently departed King of Pop. Sure stars die and stars move on…but very rarely does a star leave that much impact on both our positive and negative psyches . Such was the case in the complicated figure that was Michael Jackson. On one hand..dude was a complete freak who quite obviously…checked out of the Hotel Sane a long long time ago. Granted when your childhood is as screwed up as his…you can pretty much count on this..but still; The guy was as weird and as strange as anyone on the planet.

HOWEVER….as KC Star columnist Joe Posnanski blogged earlier this week…even Generation X’ers such as myself who never truly liked any Michael Jackson song…have to admire the impact the man made on pop culture and popular music. I mean, try to explain to anyone under the age of 32 just how big the guy was back in the day…and you’ll find yourself at a loss for words. The guy was on commercials…on MTV…at the grocery store…everywhere. And even if his songs were somewhat lame and oftentimes hokey…his hooks and flash were just the ticket for a generation that grew up with bright lights and cable television.

I for one am rather indifferent, other than the tragedy that 3 kids lost a father (maybe?) all too soon at age 50. However, when somebody sells 750 million records in a career…you at the very least…must applaud their abilities.

(And that is my first and last Michael Jackson comment ever on this blog.)

And finally…speaking of people who are misunderstood…we come to the sad tale of KU quarterback Todd Reesing.

As many of my readers are adamant antagonists of all thing Jayhawk, I will not go into the details regarding the qualifications and downfalls of the quarterback of the University of Kansas. Obviously…even from the enmy’s viewpoint…Reesing has guts…mad skills and can single handedly win a game..or at the very least…keep KU reasonably comfortable while battling a 3 win Sun Belt team.

However, this next comment is not meant to attack his on-the field skills…as I am well aware that he is far and away the best returning signal caller in the North Division. What I’m about to say is not even a judgement on his character both as an athlete or as a simple college student out having fun. However with that being said…I will say this one time only:


You’re one of the best quarterbacks in the best league in the country…you’re being mentioned as a Heisman dark horse. Your team is counting on you to lead them to one last gleaming shot at glory. (Unless you count a not-deserved trip to the worst BCS bowl game there is…matched up against an offensively retarded ACC team opposite Dancing with the Stars…but I digress. )

But seriously…if you’re going to go out partying and have somebody snap some photos of you….at the VERY LEAST make sure the chick you are with weighs less than you do.

I mean come on…we’ve all done things we’re not really proud of…and I’m sure in the face of your miniature (heh) celebrity, you have to be pretty much nice to everybody…and put on a happy face whenever asked. But good lord man…you’ve GOT to be able to do better than that. I mean…I’m not against drinking..and God knows when I was a college athlete I…more than a couple of times…may or may not have broken team curfew rules and snuck out for a drink or two or fifty. But Good lord…have a little bit of self-dignity. Sign an autograph…take a quick little snapshot and move on to sorority row. You’re a senior and a high profile one at that…you don’t have to make the same mistakes that many of us have. Don’t ruin this opportunity by dropping below even a KU guy’s level. You will for sure remember this after this season when you’re no longer going to be Todd the Heisman candidate…but rather Todd the Grad Assistant or Todd the guy in the Lowe's paint department with the really cool hair.

I’m saying this not as a blogger or as an enemy fan…but as a fellow man: Have some respect for yourself son. That is brutal.

Have a great holiday weekend...but not too great. Let this picture be your warning.


  1. Could not disagree more on the OU-UT subject, or Jacko or anything else for that matter. Except that Reesing can probably do better part. dead on.


  2. Right on... the best thing in the world for the B12 as a whole would be, (as gut wrenching awful as the thought may be), for Texas to go on a 3 or 4 year run ala USC or UF... win the conference 3+ years in a row... play and win 1 or 2 more National Titles... and establish themselves as a sort of "Evil Empire" of B12 football.
    They've done it in every OTHER sport in the B12... but that level of domination, save for 1 season, on the football field still eludes them. To have had almost every advantage tilted their way since the formation of the B12 and STILL not be able to establish themselves as the clear cut #1 program in the conference, says quite a bit about the coaching jobs done by Stoops, Pinkle, Mangino and Snyder during that time.

  3. Texas and OU are good.

    Brilliant analysis

  4. Welcome back Kot....I mean, AJ. Thanks to the crew at Mizzourah for pointing me here.

    About MJ. It wasn't so much that he was on MTV...but rather that he took a relatively (for the time) unimportant cable TV station and made it relevant. Oh yea, and he made them show black people too...that was kind of important.

    About Sod. Awesome....totally awesome. He will probably be the recruit host to that broad's son next fall.

  5. I agree with your line of thinking about Sod being able to do better but then again he is in Kansas so to be fair that probably was his best option

  6. So, Todd nabs a KU "7" and you give him grief? Of course, she'd qualify as a pinup in Manhattan or Lincoln for weighing less than 350, but I digress...

  7. A sincere welcome back. I look forward to you putting even more of your brilliant prose to work against the lameass fans that worship at the feet of a stupid chicken as you have done so well on the corn hicks.

  8. Bring on the hate. And I say this as a KU Jayhawk who hates every single thing to come out of Columbia with the exception of Shakesphere pizza (just has some today, yum!)

  9. You know what you're right. Every girl in a photo with Reesing must have been there "with" him. While you may be entertaining at times, this is reaching...far. You know every guy or girl at the bars in Lawrence wants their photo taken with him.

    Great assumption on the job after school part too. It would have taken you 5 minutes to see that he's actually double majoring in finance and economics and was first-team all-academic big xii. Just go ahead and google todd reesing academics. It's all there.

    Way to do your research.


    Everything you read on the internet is TRUE.