July 29, 2009

Back to Basics, Back to Hate

Leave it to the old standby's to interupt a perfectly boring off-season preview. No, I won’t try and lie to you and pretend that I didn’t know this was going to happen. Although the surroundings are a bit different, and my passion to write barely has a pulse…I knew I would have to address the following situation that has begun to boil. Either way, you and I both know I can’t keep this up for an entire year and beyond. I couldn’t do it with my old blog, and I certainly can’t do it now. However, the reason I did keep open the option to continue writing was because I knew things would come along to piss me off...on in this case, violently roll my eyes into my skull.

So with that being said…let’s go back a few years to a simpler time.

Let’s go back to the years where a fanatical and delusional fan base was completely out of control, spewing out inaccurate facts and opinions at alarming rates. Let’s go back and remember just how ridiculous most of their claims were, and just how stupid their arguments sounded to those outside their walls. They tried to tell you how great their receivers were. They tried to convince us all that their NFL caliber coach had all the answers. They tried to annoint a backup Pac-10 flunky the second coming of Jesus Christ. They force fed themselves and others a multitude of lies regarding recruits, history and their general place in life...the game and of course...the sporting universe.

But........ then they were destroyed and pretty much went away.

However, thanks to a huge New Year’s Day win over a 6 loss ACC team that shook the very foundation of the sports world…(immediately following a last second win over a sub .500 Colorado team at home)…the cockroaches have colonized once again, and are scurrying among our feet. The idiotic claims are trickling back. The predictions of impending redemption are once again roaring across cyberspace and drifting across the airwaves. Their coach once again has all the answers. Everything is back where it should be…Order is finally about to be restored.
Yes, welcome back Husker fans, if only for a little while.

It’s been a long time since I’ve directly addressed you buck-toothed, moonshine swilling, Brooks and Dunn listening backward ass Mahindra driving yokels. But just when the rest of the world has had enough of your annoying blathering…I have come back to the scene of your crimes against humanity. Even though the surroundings are the same…your attitudes are strikingly identical to every other year you’ve proclaimed your impending return to glory….somehow everything is different.

Instead of feeling I have to continue to wage a one-man 20+ year crusade against your relentless and tireless honoring of yourselves…I now feel the same way one would feel when a gnat is flying too close to your forehead for a little more than a second at a summer picnic. Sure, things were different when you pulled into town with five 300lb linemen, a savvy coach…fleet footed QB’s and a variety of woman-punching thugs with talent at your disposal….but today, the attitude is the same…but the firepower is far different.

We’ll get into all the reasons why you aren’t “back” later….why order isn’t “restored” or whatever stupid-ass snappy slogan you’ve decided to slap on a t-shirt this week. All of that is in the works, and just as in previous years…it’s extremely easy to prove. However, today the annoyance is not for who you think you are…but who you most definately are not. No, today is a day to chuckle aloud, lean up out of one’s chair, and bring down a quick flyswatter of reality onto your delusional, yellow-foam coated skulls. You’ll probably think these words are familiar because they are. I’ve been telling you clowns this for years…yet here you come again with more of the same old, same old.

People don’t hate you because they fear you. That emotion left sometime around the time Chris Brown was running for his 9th touchdown in the first quarter of a late November game in 2001. No, people hate you for the same reason they have always hated you : Because you’re annoying, arrogant and pompous assholes. Always have been. (Except you used to have a good team to root for)

I’ve given you the reasons why you are so despised by fans who know you for years, both in cyberspace and to those around me. I’ve explained to you that national “powers” don’t lose 26 games in 5 seasons. I’ve explained to you why nobody with two pasty white wide receivers should be claiming to be one of "the league's best corps". I’ve told you time and time and time again why we’re laughing not with you, but at you. And yet for some strange reason, you keep coming back for more? Why? I realize football is all you have, and it’s going to take more than a hate-filled blog and 8 years of mediocre football to convince you that the mid 1990’s are long gone.

Perhaps NINE years of crappy football will convince you otherwise? Perhaps yet ANOTHER season of unrealistic expectations followed by complete and utter failure will convince you that you might want to find another hobby? (UNO hockey anyone?). Perhaps you brushed off everything I’ve been trying to tell you as luck? Whatever the reason, I will continue to roll my eyes and give you a light pity clap as you reach upward for somebody to pull you out of the gigantic pool of shit you will most definately slip into later on this fall. It’s predictable. It’s easy to see and above all else…it’s been done before. (Several years in a row now in fact.)

But yet even all that isn’t enough to derail the ego-train driven by the Nebraska media and their self-congratulatory fans. Any other fan base would see a brand new QB and tough schedule as something to be concerned about….not you. Any other fan base would probably realize that beating absolutely nobody and celebrating a win over a mediocre ACC team like the closing credits of Soul Train was a bad idea going into an off-season….not you. Any other fan base would realize that 1971, 1995 or any other memorable football year that found you with fond memories and a full head of hair is long gone.....and all the Johnny Roger pre-game speeches can’t make them come back….but not you.

No, once again, you’ve proven that delusional arrogance needs only memories and self-indulgence to fuel itself. NO OTHER fan base on earth would pound their chest prior to a season where their best offensive weapons are a second string running back and mediocre tight end. NO OTHER fan base would have the fucking balls to declare themselves BACK after losing to their biggest conference rival by 6TD’s at home. NO OTHER fan base on the planet would parlay a horrible performance against a bad Colorado team, and turn it into momentum for the coming year. I’m not shocked by it. Other Big 12 fans aren’t shocked by it. I’m guessing even God himself…who made you into this driveling mess after you sold your soul to the devil in 1997 isn’t too shocked about it.

We now stand at just over 30 days until another football season kicks off, and you idiots are no wiser than you’ve ever been. (WIDER probably, but definitely not wiser.) This year as in past years...you’ve ignored the warnings of others, just as you’ve completely brushed off any common sense that would creep into the mind of a normal fan. So as we stand at the home stretch of the off season, let me once again acknowledge and honor my good friends from Nebraska, who will stop at absolutely NOTHING to make sure you understand just how powerful, knowledgeable and yeah…humble they are. The broomsticks are in hand…the plastic windmills are being setup all along the Midwest as a tidal wave of emotion stands to meet a concrete pillar of reality.

I will once again be here to witness the carnage, just as I have been the past several years. I will laugh as the excuses pile up; I will chuckle to myself when you try and find some sort of way to save your sinking ship with rubber bands and a roll of aluminum foil. However, what I will not do is feel sorry for you, nor give you advice as you fight among yourselves, as you desperately try to put Humpty Pelini back together again. You’ll continue to spin in circles, and I will continue to be right…just as I always have.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a backhand across your face now and then, if for no other reason but to remind you that the rest of us are well aware of the endless miles of bullshit you’ve tried to sell us before. No, none of us are buying that shit again (OK, maybe Phil Steele and a bunch of Big 12 writers are). Perhaps Florida Atlantic fans would like to hear all about your glorious past, your brilliant players and your superior fans? The rest of us had a good laugh and closed that chapter long ago….it’s still humorous, but not nearly as funny as the first time.


  1. I lost the office pool. I thought we would be atleast past Big 12 media days before the first 'sker' rant. I should have known better.

    Honestly AJ, I would almost pay to have a Mile'l Severe rant on here. I would really pay to hear you and him have a battle of wits. But lord knows that shit for brains pussy would hang up on you. How in the hell can the jackass giggle about how he thinks MU will win 4 games because of their losses but somehow NU will do no worse than win 9. Sure could have fooled me Mike'l, but I am pretty damn sure I saw MU's backups run buckshot all over NU's starters in last years game also. Dip shit

    - Angry MU fan

  2. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the result of being smoked by a team for 25 years straight, and having a winning % of .300; the result of ma and pa Missouri smacking the shit out him, and their 13" B&W as Nebraska once again scored on Moo with their 4th string; and H8ter having to pile dirt on another generation of dead Moo grandparents, without them seeing a win over Nebraska.

    It's much like not getting a raise for 25 straight years; like buying powerball tickets weekly for 25 straight...only to win another losing Powerball ticket; to vacation at Mt.
    Rushmore for the 25th straight year, only to realize that the same 4 muggs are still chiseled into the rock.

    You see, folks, when you win at an amazing clip of app .300 against a conference foe, this empty shell of a person is all that's left. His pharmaceutical and counseling bills have left him with nothing but a twitch in in hands and a perpetual sneer on his face. Oh yes, he's the fellow employee that always comes in late, always complains of body aches, and how he and his "friend" aren't getting along well. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    That's why people in Missouri have turned to porn, cigarettes, and fireworks. Yes, an odd combination...but nonetheless, a simple man's means of dealing with internal struggle more overwhelming than his own personal penchant for smoking cocks. Throw in Waffle Houses, and it appears the state of Missouri has cornered the market on white trashery.

    I'm of the mind to suggest professional help...but this is how the mind of a Missourian works. Psychoanalysis is replaced with nicotine. Exosure and response prevention...is sadly replaced with jerkoff films of 1st and 2nd cousins. And in Missouri, all that ails you is quickly taken care of when punk is united with the fuse of 1,000 Black Cats.

    BTW, you'll recognize H8ter by his embroidered jacket, proudly displaying the 4 wins out of the last 30 games against the Huskers. But...never mind the yellow-stained fingers and..uh..residue on his shirt. That's just his therapy...

  3. That's the effort we expect. You can't quit us, can you?

  4. AJ,

    Glad to see you are back. You have hit the nail right on the head. I would say that it is unbelievable how the Husker faithful are already predicting that their days of glory are returning. But in reality, it is totally believable, and expected, that they would think this way. The best part will be watching the whole house of cards, yet again, come tumbling down.

    I think little clip sums it up best as it's going to happen all over again:



  5. This is one of the greatest soapboxes ever. Too bad most Husker fans don't have the brain capacity to get past the fifth line.

  6. There we go AJ...just like old times...there is a tear rolling down Ralphie's cheek as we speak...

    Don't you wish you had the PPV $concession$ for the Sun Belt OOC pre-season schedule? You could retire...these fans would PPV to watch their Huskers get naked. Oh wait a minute, that's the wrestling team!

  7. Missouri Husker FanJuly 30, 2009 at 7:57 AM

    Yeah! That's my boy! There's no one more delusional than you. Go ahead a bring it....it makes my life more interesting.


  8. It always tickles me when a fan of a team with a hayseed for a mascot makes fun of ANYONE else.

    Keep bringin' it AJ!

  9. Damn AJ, I must I thought it would take you longer to fall off the wagon and go back to your old ways.

    It is still the off season, I thought you would make it up to the second week off the season, ohhhhh well.

    Good to see you back to your old form. Now all that is missing is that little gutter slut that use to post back in the day on your old blog, I think her name was Rachel.

    Well good luck and I will check in from time to time to keep you honest.

    As always,

    You Can Eat A mile Of My Corn Ridded Shit and Kiss My Husker Ass

  10. Absolutely fantastic!!!! The salt/ wound pic is the funniest thing I've seen in a while.

    -A Buff in DC

  11. Awesome, five minutes of my life I will never get back after reading this stupid ass post. Your obsession with NU is out of control. Anyone that hates something doesnt start a website about them.
    I think it is funny how you Missouri fans call Nebraska fans hillbillies. I am pretty sure you guys have that absolute shit hole called Branson in your state. Isnt that pretty much like the Mecca or the dome of the rock for rednecks? Isnt MO the meth lab capital of the world? Doesnt MO have the second largest puppy mill industry in the country?

  12. I like how you screen the comments too you in the closet faggot

  13. Awesome job AJ. I can't wait to see the Children of the Corn after yet another meltdown. This is like shooting fish in a barrel and yet they always jump right back in. You would think that they would be a little more grounded or tempered with their wild predictions, but hell no the are the Huskers.

    Mizzou was a much better team last year and lost pretty much the same thing as Nebraska, yet expectations are totally different. We have people thinking 5 or 6 wins on our board do to our losses, most think that 8-4 would be a great season. Nebraska has fans that think they are one game away from a MNC and they are at least a lock to win the North. These ingredients add up to a big shit sandwich for the Husker fans and I am going to LMFAO when this happens.

  14. Nothing screams of the sophistication and education level of the Worlds Best fans like a good old fashioned gaybashing slur.

    Well done.

  15. Love the writing and the site, it's like you're reading my mind! Buff fan here in Colorado, hating the Fuskers forever.

  16. Chompin at the bit for some more AJ, when will the next rant/post be? I love feeding this stuff to my friends (a couple are Fuskers), why talk trash when you can do it for me? Keep up the great work, CU Nation loves you!

  17. "I’ve explained to you that national “powers” don’t lose 26 games in 5 seasons."

    I know you proclaim to not be a stats guy but, you regard Oklahoma as a national power, and they lost 27 over 4 years and had a tie in there. As recent as the 90's. College football has it's ups and downs. Unless you are mizzou then you pretty much have nothing but downs.

  18. Florida State? Miami? Notre Dame? All more successful than Nebraska and all three still decades away from how good they once were. Alabama, Penn State are in the same boat to a lesser degree.

    It goes both ways and as I think even you can agree...Oklahoma isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

  19. We definitely need an update here after that drubbing the fuskers took from TT. To think mrs. p handed out black shirts before that game, what a joke!

  20. Screaming for an update here in Colorado! My Buffs took a tough loss today against K State, but my day was made when the fuskers and their pink shirts gave up the booty in their own house to freakin' Iowa State! Say that again, Iowa State beat the fuskers, gotta love it!!!!